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Overpromising, Overgiving… and the Burnout That Follows In People Pleasing
- Jane Nevell
- Mar 25
- 4 min read
When it starts to feel too much
For a while now, I’ve noticed something I can’t ignore anymore.
I can’t keep doing this.
Wanting to help… and yet not having the energy, time, or capacity to follow it through.
I’ve always genuinely wanted to help.
But if I’m honest, sometimes it’s more mixed.
There’s a part of me that wants to help… and a smaller part that hesitates, knowing the impact it will have.
I underestimate that impact.
The energy I have versus what’s actually needed.
The time things will take.
I don’t want to let anyone down.
I like to keep my word.
And still, I say yes.
When helping becomes a pattern
When it comes to family — especially my immediate family — I will often push myself to do what I can.
Depending on what’s needed, there can still be a small part of me that hopes I won’t have to take it on.
But I will.
Gladly.
And I deal with the consequences afterwards.
It comes from a sense of duty.
From love.
From wanting to ease things for them in whatever way I can.
I’ve seen myself as the protector… or at least, that’s how it’s felt.
What it looks like on the outside—and inside
I do think things through.
But I misjudge how long things will take.
And I don’t always allow for the unexpected.
So I end up juggling… trying to hold everything together.
On the outside, I might look like I’m managing.
Smiling.
Keeping it going.
But inside, it’s different.
My body aches.
My mind is frazzled.
There’s a sense of pressure building…like I’m trying to keep everything from slipping.
I just want to switch off… to recharge.
My heart and mind want to do it.
But my body tells me something else.
And when I ignore that… it catches up with me.
The part we don’t always admit
When I was at work, this showed up a lot.
I would offer to help, take things on, and step into responsibility.
And sometimes, if I’m honest, there was a small part of me hoping they wouldn’t take me up on it.
That’s uncomfortable to admit.
But it’s true.
There’s a part of me that feels obligated to help.
And another part that knows I already have enough to do.
Instead of choosing one… I try to carry both.
When it’s too late to step back
Once I’ve said yes, that’s it.
I’ve committed myself.
I can’t just walk away.
I have to see it through.
I can’t let them down.
I said I would.
They’re depending on me.
So I keep going.
Get the job done.
Push through.
There’s pressure.
A kind of urgency that builds.
Trying to keep everything moving…juggling… thinking ahead… correcting as I go.
Feeling stretched, but carrying on anyway.
And underneath it, a quiet frustration with myself.
What was I thinking?
The cost afterwards
By that point, it already feels too much.
Too late to step back.
In the moment, it’s clear I’ve stretched myself too far.
But there’s no pause.
Just keep going.
Until afterwards.
When I’m left thinking:
What was I doing?
Why did I take all that on?
Never again, I tell myself.
And yet… at times, the same pattern returns.
The aftermath is exhaustion.
Regret.
Annoyance with myself for not managing it better.
It doesn’t pass quickly.
It can take time to feel like myself again.
And sometimes, it lingers in my mind too.
Replaying moments… things I’ve said or done…
When I’ve really overdone it, it catches up with me.
Recovery takes time.
The deeper truth
To be honest…there’s still a part of me that wants to be more than I’m capable of being in that moment.
To do more.
To give more.
To be someone who can carry it all.
What’s beginning to change
But something has shifted.
Over time, I’ve learned to try to cover all angles of a task.
To think ahead… to account for what might come up.
I’ve also been let down by others at times.
So in some situations, I feel the need to make sure things are properly thought through — at least within my role.
But I’ve also had to learn that I can’t account for everything.
I can prepare.
I can do my part well.
And then I have to come back to what I can realistically give — my time, my energy — and let go of the rest.
Even with that… I can still take on more than I have the capacity for.
I’ve become much more boundaried in how I manage my time and energy.
Not because I suddenly got it right… but because I can’t override myself in the same way anymore.
Something in me just won’t let me.
That pull is still there.
To help.
To give more.
And at times, I could still overpromise — mostly from a place of care.
But now I put limits around what I offer.
I can help… but I don’t have to take on more than my part.
I can be clearer about what I’m realistically able to do—what I can take on and what I can’t.
Sometimes that means agreeing to something fully.
Other times, it means being honest about my limits before I say yes.
And in situations where I can choose, I can set a time frame—an hour, a day—and do what I can within that.
And whatever gets done in that time… is enough.
I’m loosening my grip on the outcome.
I don’t have to take full responsibility for everything.
I am one person.
And maybe that’s where it begins…not changing everything, but putting down what was never mine to carry.
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