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Understanding & Healing Emotional Triggers: Why You React the Way You Do
- Jane Nevell
- Jun 11
- 4 min read
Part 1: Where Triggers Begin — The Deeper Roots of Emotional Reactivity
Many years ago, I had some friends over. They brought someone new — a man going through a breakup. At one point, he began talking about making things difficult for his ex.
Before I even realised what was happening, I found myself reacting. Not calmly. Not diplomatically. I told him he couldn’t mess around with his children — that they needed stability, and that parents had a responsibility to be civil for the sake of their kids.
My words came out strong and sharp. My heart was pounding. I felt anxious but certain. In that moment, I couldn’t stay silent.
Why? Because at 14, my own parents had a messy, painful breakup. I know what it does to a child. That old emotional wound — still alive in me — was suddenly touched.
That’s what an emotional trigger can feel like: a sudden, intense reaction that seems to come out of nowhere. Sometimes it overrides the part of you that’s usually thoughtful or composed.
Triggers often catch us off guard. But they don’t come from nowhere — and they’re not a sign that you’re broken.
What Is an Emotional Trigger? (And Why It Feels So Intense)
You might be wondering, “How do I even know if I’ve been triggered?”
A trigger can show up as a sudden shift — a racing heart, a feeling of shame, a need to shut down, or a rising panic. You might freeze, fawn, lash out, or feel the urge to please. Your reaction may feel too big for the situation, and you might be left thinking, “Why did that bother me so much?”
That’s a sign your nervous system has been activated.
An emotional trigger is any stimulus — a comment, tone of voice, smell, sensation, or situation — that activates a stored survival response. These responses are often based on past trauma, particularly from childhood or unsafe environments.
From the outside, a trigger might look like an overreaction. But for the person experiencing it, the reaction is involuntary, overwhelming, and deeply real.
It’s also important to say this: not all emotional triggers come from the same kind of trauma. For some, the trigger might link to an old emotional wound — like rejection, criticism, or being shamed. For others, it may stem from what’s known as big T trauma — events involving a real or perceived threat to life or safety, such as abuse, accidents, violence, or neglect. These can create deeper physiological responses and stronger nervous system activation.
This isn’t about comparing pain. Whether it’s “small T” or “big T,” all trauma is valid. But understanding the root and intensity of your trigger helps you approach it with the right level of support. In both cases, your nervous system is doing what it believes is necessary to protect you — even if it’s responding to a past that’s no longer present.
Some people are told they’ll “just have to live with” their triggers — that they can manage their triggers, but not change them. But thanks to neuroplasticity, the brain and nervous system can rewire. Healing is possible.
That said, it’s also a myth that you can eliminate every single trigger. We are human — a work in progress. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s to respond rather than react, to reconnect with your body and emotions, and to reclaim a sense of safety.
Why Are Some People More Triggered Than Others?
For many women — especially those over 50 who have spent a lifetime people-pleasing — emotional triggers often trace back to early life experiences.
If you grew up in a home where there was yelling, punishment, tension, or emotional withdrawal, you may have learned that it wasn’t safe to express how you felt. You may have been told:
“Stop crying.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Don’t make a fuss.”
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”
You might have learned to stay quiet, read the room, avoid conflict, and meet other people’s needs before your own. You may have been sensitive by nature and became even more so to survive — always watchful, alert, adjusting.
This creates a hypervigilant nervous system — always scanning for danger or disapproval. Over time, these survival behaviours become well-practised and deeply ingrained.
But not all triggers stem from direct trauma. For some, they grow from learned roles formed through early responsibility. If you grew up caring for a parent — emotionally, physically, or even mentally — you may have taken on adult duties far too young. This kind of early caregiving, often called parentification, can lead to a lifelong pattern of over-responsibility. You may have become the helper, the peacekeeper, the one who holds everything together.
Later in life, you might find yourself emotionally triggered by people who seem carefree, self-focused, or avoidant — not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because your system has been wired to associate responsibility with safety, worth, or even love. That association can become a burden — one you carry without question, or at times, with a quiet sense of resentment.
These triggers may show up as frustration, guilt, overfunctioning, or a deep sense of unfairness. They’re not signs of weakness — they are rooted in deeply ingrained survival strategies.
And like all patterns, they can begin to shift once brought into awareness and compassion.
Many people-pleasers have had to regulate their own emotions from a young age. They’ve learned to disconnect from their gut instincts, to doubt themselves, and to adapt to stay safe.
And when this stress response is always on — what’s known as chronic hyperarousal — it can exhaust the body and mind. The immune system suffers. Sleep and digestion are affected. You may feel disconnected from yourself, your body, even your sense of identity.
But again — neuroplasticity offers hope. What was once wired in for protection can be rewired for healing.
🔜 In Part 2, we'll explore what your triggers can teach you, how to work with them in a compassionate way, and how EFT Tapping can support your healing process.
✨ If what you've read so far resonates with you, and you'd like support exploring your own triggers with care and guidance, you're welcome to take a look at how we can work together.
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