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Phoenix Rising: Pick Yourself Back Up
- Jane Nevell
- Aug 17
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 21
End the repeat cycle of people-pleasing. Reset with ‘good enough’, compassion, and tapping.
Life doesn’t always knock you down with one big event. More often, it’s the slow exhaustion of carrying too much for too long — the responsibilities, the unspoken expectations, the constant need to keep going. Sometimes it’s just one more small thing — the last straw.
Before we talk about rising, we need to look at the role of people-pleasing behaviours — the striving to be “good,” the self-silencing, the over-responsibility, the perfectionism, the habit of smoothing everything over. These quietly thin your capacity to cope: you ignore your limits, swallow “unsafe” feelings, and keep performing at 100%, so your reserves run low. With so little margin left, even tiny frictions can feel huge — and, if left unchallenged, this way of living will continue to erase the true you — your voice, your needs, your boundaries.
This piece names that pattern with compassion and offers a gentler reset — so you can pick yourself back up and reconnect with the real you, instead of falling back into the repeat cycle.
The Trap of Perfectionism
For many of us who people-please, the exhaustion isn’t just what life throws at us — it’s the impossible standards we place on ourselves. Somewhere along the line, we decided we had to be the best version of a “good person” all the time: kind, thoughtful, reliable, patient, compassionate — 100%, no exceptions.
But the truth is… perfection doesn’t exist. It appears in brief moments — on a beam or a canvas — not as a permanent human state.
So we strive to be good. Always good. Hoping that if we’re good enough for others, we’ll be accepted, loved, safe — and perhaps, secretly, that someone will finally notice our needs and care for us in return.
The painful twist? Most of us never learned what it means to be good enough. Good enough leaves room for mistakes, tired days, contradictions. It’s realistic, sustainable, and kind. We were taught only to be good — endlessly, perfectly, impossibly — and when we (or others) fall short, the weight on our shoulders doubles.
The Spiral of People-Pleasing
Being human means feeling: disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness. If those were labelled “unsafe” where you grew up, you likely learned to push them down. They don’t disappear; they leak out sideways.
The spiral looks like this:
You feel the emotion.
You suppress it.
It leaks out as irritability, guilt, resentment.
You berate yourself.
You try even harder to be good.
Some people or situations trigger the pressure more strongly — a loved one whose approval feels essential, an authority figure you can’t risk displeasing. Eventually the mask slips. You might come across as moody, tetchy, snappy — and then the remorse hits hard. So you double down on “good”… and the spiral tightens.
The Cost: Burnout and Exhaustion
This seeps into every part of you — body (tension, fatigue), mind (overthinking, self-criticism), emotions (heaviness, hopelessness), relationships (over-giving that never feels enough). This way of living is bound to create burnout — not because you’re weak, but because no one can carry that weight forever.
When the Last Straw Breaks
Often it’s not a huge event. It’s the long wear of living at full stretch — striving, self-silencing, holding it all together — and then something small lands… and you spiral.
What the “last straw” can look like (the little things)
The one item you needed is “out of stock” and the substitute is useless.
A friend cancels last minute after you’d rallied your energy.
The parcel says “attempted delivery” while you were at home.
Someone is needlessly rude — in a queue, at the till, on the phone.
It isn’t the straw; it’s the load beneath it. When you’ve been living this way, even tiny frictions can tip you over.
In that moment the inner voice can bite: “It’s too much. I can’t cope… What’s the point? I’m not good enough. ”The shock doesn’t just hit your feelings; it shakes your beliefs, roles, responsibilities — even your sense of who you are.
From here you have two choices:
Patchwork: pick yourself up just enough to carry on as before.
Reset: face the truth of what you’ve been carrying and choose a kinder way to rise.
The Core Fear
Patchwork keeps you in the mask. Underneath is the fear: “If people saw the real me — the angry, flawed, imperfect me — they would reject me, maybe even stop loving me.”
Here’s the hinge: most of us were never taught good enough. Without that permission, every slip feels catastrophic. A sharp word or forgotten detail becomes proof you’re bad, wrong, unlovable. That belief fuels the cycle.
The Truth About Picking Yourself Back Up
People are imperfect. All of them. Even the polished ones. No one sees the full truth of another person — only what’s shown or what slips through.
Mistakes aren’t evidence of failure — they’re evidence of life and how we learn to stay real. No one is kind 100% of the time. And yet, they are still good people. So are you.
Picking yourself back up isn’t proving your goodness by erasing every flaw. It’s resetting — softening impossible standards and letting good enough make you real, relatable, resilient.
My Own Journey
I strive to be kind, fair, and compassionate — and I don’t want that to change. Those qualities are part of who I am. I also used to believe I had to be that way all the time, even at the cost of myself.
The old patterns still tug most with certain loved ones, but I’m not ruled by them in the same way. I can pause, choose, and recover faster. I know how heavy it feels — the shame of snapping when you meant to stay calm, of saying yes when your whole body wanted to say no. And I know the relief of learning you don’t have to be perfect — you just have to be human. That truth is my reset.
When Setbacks Happen
Even with progress, setbacks happen. Old patterns flare. That harsh voice pipes up: “There’s something wrong with you. ”Picking yourself back up doesn’t have to be dramatic. Notice: “I’ve slipped into an old habit.” Then choose one small reset — reach out to a friend, write what you’re feeling, or tap through the emotion.
Try this now: 60-second reset
Breathe: Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, breathe out through your mouth for a count of 6 — five breaths. (Adjust to what feels comfortable for your health.)
Name it: “Right now I feel ____.” (How intense is that feeling on a scale of 1-10)
Tap one round (quick script)
Setup — Side of hand (KC): Tap gently and say once: “Even though I feel ___, I’m safe to feel it — and I’m good enough.”
Round — EB → SE → UE → UN → CH → CB → UA → TH: Tap each point 5–7 times. At every point, use a short reminder phrase about what you feel (e.g., “this overwhelm,” “this tight chest,” “this frustration”).
Finish: Slow exhale. Notice any shift. Rate the intensity again to see if there's any change. If it’s still strong, repeat 1–2 rounds.
Points: EB = Eyebrow • SE = Side of eye • UE = Under eye • UN = Under nose • CH = Chin • CB = Collarbone • UA = Under arm • TH = Top of head • KC = Karate chop (side of hand).
One kind action: (self-care) water • 1–5 minutes outside • text a friend.
EFT tapping points picture taken from the tapping solution website
See setbacks as signals, not verdicts. Every time you respond with compassion and curiosity rather than criticism, you strengthen your ability to rise well.
What Helps Me Move Forward
When the inner critic whispers, “There’s something wrong with you,” I return to these:
Make mistakes and learn. Growth, not evidence against you.
Remember: no one is perfect. You don’t have to be either.
Strive — and stay grounded. Ambition, yes; pedestals, no.
Forgive yourself for being human. Always allowed.
Sit, tap, notice. Be present with the feeling, tap a round to offload, then notice the shift — more calm, more clarity, a little more lift.
These aren’t about patching cracks or pushing harder. They create balance, compassion, and space to breathe — so when life feels heavy, you can rise without falling back into the old spiral.
A Gentle Challenge
If you take one thing, let it be this: treat your expectations of yourself as you would for someone you love. You wouldn’t demand perfection. You’d be kind, fair, realistic. You’d remind them they are already good enough.
We’re contradictory by nature. You can be kind and still feel frustration. Caring and still need space. Strong and still need rest. Contradictions don’t make you flawed — they make you human.
It may help to see these contradictions as different parts of you, each holding a perspective. Instead of fighting them, listen with curiosity. They can lead you toward balance, honesty, and freedom.
Like the Phoenix
You don’t rise by avoiding the fire — you’re remade through it. Picking yourself back up isn’t returning to who you were; it’s rising wiser, freer, more yourself. Like the phoenix, you can rise again.
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