How to Stop People-Pleasing: Why It Runs Deep and How to Start Changing It (Part 2)

Every moment is a choice — continue as you were, or begin again with you in mind.

If you’ve spent a lifetime putting others first, it won’t feel natural to suddenly start considering yourself. It can feel awkward, clumsy — even wrong. You might second-guess yourself, worry that you’re being selfish, or feel guilty just for saying no.

But learning how to stop people-pleasing isn’t about becoming someone you’re not — it’s about gradually reconnecting with who you really are. That discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing something bad. It’s a sign you’re doing something different.

The emotional cost of always putting others first often shows up as guilt, shame, and quiet exhaustion.

The Guilt–Shame Cycle

When you try to set a boundary or say no, guilt often kicks in. That can lead to two things:

You either go back on what you said — just to ease the guilt — or you push through and carry shame with you.

This cycle is exhausting. And it’s also deeply familiar for people-pleasers, especially those who learned early on that love and approval were linked to being good, kind, and compliant.

But guilt isn’t always a reliable compass. Often, it’s just a leftover reaction from old conditioning. You’re not doing something wrong — you’re doing something new.

One Step at a Time

You don’t have to go from one extreme to the other. You don’t need to be blunt, rude, or harsh to assert yourself. Most of the time, the awkwardness you feel is simply the anxiety of doing something unfamiliar — not a sign you’re being unkind.

It’s okay to buy yourself some time. A gentle, “I’ll check and get back to you,” is still progress. You can soften your language if that helps. What matters is that you’re beginning to include yourself in the picture — even if it’s just a little.

Be Curious, Not Cruel

When you feel uncomfortable, instead of criticising yourself, try asking:

What am I telling myself right now?

What am I afraid might happen?

That little bit of curiosity can create enough space to respond differently next time.

Small shifts matter. They build trust in yourself. And with each step, you begin to form a healthier, more respectful relationship with you.

What Happens When You Always Step In

If you’re the one who always jumps in to help, to smooth things over, to be the “reliable one” — it might feel like second nature. But over time, it comes at a cost.

Others may not get the chance to step up. They might never learn to support themselves. You may also unintentionally stop someone else from learning how to help or take responsibility. And most importantly — you get left behind in your own life.

Being available doesn’t have to mean being responsible for everyone.

As you step out of old patterns, you make space for the real you to return — gently, steadily, in your own time.

You Deserve to Be in the Picture Too

It’s not selfish to include yourself. It’s not unkind to value your energy, your time, or your wellbeing. It’s not wrong to protect what matters to you.

And if someone does react — if they don’t like the change — it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It means the dynamic is shifting. That can be uncomfortable… but it’s also how growth begins.

🌀 Read Part 1 if you missed it – it explores where people-pleasing really begins

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