Why People-Pleasing Runs Deep – And How It Starts (Part 1)

Four white puzzle pieces on a blue background, symbolising the missing pieces of self in people-pleasing behaviour

It can feel like second nature — automatic, instinctive. Like it’s who you are.

Many of the women I work with don’t even realise they’re doing it. They just know they feel overextended, overlooked, or disconnected from who they really are.

And often, it’s not because they’ve made a conscious choice to ignore themselves. It’s because being good became part of their identity a long time ago.

Where People-Pleasing Begins

The roots of people-pleasing often go back to childhood — shaped not just by one big event, but by subtle, repeated experiences:

• Environments where emotions weren’t safe to express.

• Households with unpredictable anger, withdrawal, or emotional distance.

• Adults who praised you for being “so helpful,” “so quiet,” “so easy.”

• Caregivers who expected emotional support from you — flipping the roles.

• Homes where one parent struggled, and you adapted to keep the peace.

Even witnessing others being punished, dismissed, or shamed could have been enough to trigger your inner alarm system. For a sensitive child, compliance isn’t about obedience — it’s survival.

The Culture of Being Good

Beyond the family home, culture plays a huge role in shaping our behaviour.

Whether through religion, tradition, or gender roles, you may have been taught that being kind, generous, selfless, or obedient is what makes someone “good.”

And to be seen as “good” is to be acceptable, loved, worthy. To stray from that? Risk disapproval, judgement, or even exclusion.

This is especially true for many women, who were socialised to be carers, helpers, peacekeepers — while being told that anger, boundaries, or assertiveness were unattractive or selfish.

Close-up of a blue eye behind a decorative gold mask, symbolising the hidden self and emotional masking in people-pleasing

When People-Pleasing Becomes Who You Are

Over time, this way of being becomes internalised. You learn to anticipate others’ needs before your own. You feel responsible for how others feel. You second-guess your own reactions. You might even feel guilty for saying no.

It becomes a loop:

• You try to avoid conflict by pleasing others.

• You feel guilty when you don’t meet expectations.

• You push yourself harder — while quietly resenting it.

• You get praised for being so helpful, kind, or reliable — so you do it again.

And so it continues… until one day, you’re burnt out, angry, or completely disconnected from yourself.

What Happens When You Turn Off Your Inner Compass

The cost of always looking outside yourself — to check how others are feeling, what they need, how they’re reacting — is that you stop listening to you.

You override your inner signals. You ignore alarm bells. You brush off discomfort. You lose your sense of “what’s ok and what’s not.” That can be dangerous.

I’ve worked with women who’ve stayed in toxic dynamics far too long — not because they were weak or naïve, but because they didn’t know how to recognise or trust their own discomfort.

When you learn to survive by avoiding conflict, the ability to face difficult situations can stay underdeveloped. That doesn’t mean you’re incapable — just that you never had the chance to practise.

A hand reaching into still water, symbolising emotional reconnection and inner healing

If This Resonates...

You’re not alone — and you’re not broken. This way of being is deeply human. It means you adapted to your early environment in the best way you could.

But now, it’s time to start gently unlearning the patterns that no longer serve you — and come home to the person you really are.

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