The Inner Critic: Why It Robs You of Peace—and How to Change It

That voice in your head—the one that tells you you're not enough? It’s not the truth. It’s a pattern. And it can be changed. This blog explores how the inner critic forms, how it affects your relationships, and how to start softening it with compassion.

The voice in your head. The voice in mine. The voice in everyone’s. It can be supportive. It can be critical. It can shift depending on our mood, our past, or how safe we feel in ourselves.

But today, I want to focus on the critical voice. Why? Because it can be harsh—sometimes brutally so—and the impact it has on our behaviour and emotions can keep us stuck for years.

So I want to ask you gently: What does your inner voice say to you? Especially when you make a mistake, feel overwhelmed, or something unpleasant happens—what do you say to yourself?

My inner voice used to be far harsher than it is today. It would say things like:

“You’re not intelligent enough.”

“You’re just not the kind of person who can learn that.”

And worse still:

“You’re thick.”

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re bad. Mad. Too much. Too sensitive.”

Now I see these as limiting core beliefs. They kept me small. They held me down. They took hope and twisted it into hopelessness.

How did I cope? I didn’t always. There were times I felt like I was swimming in treacle—up to my neck—fighting to move forward but feeling stuck. I went through bouts of depression, filled with shame about the person I was. I was convinced everyone else was okay and I wasn’t.

I believed I was a failure. That I couldn’t make my life successful. That I was inherently inadequate, ineffectual, and less than.

So, I hid. I wore a mask. I tried to be a good, decent person. I tried to fit in, to be liked—even though I told myself I didn’t care what people thought.

Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?

Psychologically, the inner critic often develops as a way to cope with early life experiences. From the moment we’re born, we begin to make sense of the world and our place in it. We view ourselves and others in relation to the world around us.

When a baby cries and the parent responds, trust begins to build. But if the response is inconsistent, absent, or emotionally disconnected, something else can happen.

Children are naturally egocentric—it’s a normal part of development. They assume the world revolves around them, which means when something goes wrong, they often believe they caused it.

“If mum is angry, it must be because of me.”

“If dad ignores me, maybe I’ve done something wrong.”

To stay safe, or to keep love close, they adapt. They begin to believe things like:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “I have to be good to be loved.”

• “I’m responsible for how others feel or behave.”

These beliefs get embedded—and become the lens through which we view ourselves. They form the foundation of the inner critic. Not because we’re broken, but because once, this voice helped us survive.

And here’s one of the deepest costs: as we adapt, we begin to shape our behaviour and relationships around those beliefs. We end up in dynamics that mirror who we’re pretending to be—not who we truly are.

We might enter relationships where we’re over-giving, over-performing, or staying small—trying to earn our place. These can become imbalanced, even codependent. And deep down, we often know this. That’s why we work so hard to keep the front up. To protect the image we’ve created—because we fear what might happen if someone saw behind it.

But it comes at a cost: we never feel fully seen, fully safe, or fully ourselves.

What Happens When the Inner Critic Runs the Show

When the inner critic is in charge, it quietly shapes the way you think, behave, and relate to others. You might not even realise it—it can feel like “just how I am.” But underneath, it’s often fear-driven.

You might find yourself:

• Living with hypervigilance—always scanning for who’s upset, disappointed, or judging

• Holding yourself to unrealistically high standards so no one else can criticise you

• Becoming an overachiever, trying to outrun the voice that says you're not enough

• People-pleasing to avoid conflict or stay “under the radar”

• Feeling anxious in social settings, overthinking everything you say and do

• Self-conscious, nervous, or withdrawn—worried about how others see you

• Or, on the flip side, not trying at all—because the critic says you’ll never be good enough anyway

In either case, you're under constant pressure.

You may notice a split between your outer self and your inner self. Outwardly, you might appear kind, capable, competent—maybe even calm. And that might genuinely be who you are. But the unwanted parts—the ones that feel too uncomfortable, too messy, too controversial or emotional—often get hidden away.

So what the world sees is the better version of you. Or at least, that’s what you think.

And it’s important to understand: This isn’t a conscious decision most of the time. In fact, research suggests that around 95% of our behaviours are driven by unconscious patterns—habits formed long ago, in response to what we believed we had to be in order to stay safe, loved, or accepted.

The Inner Critic Hasn’t Moved On

Before we go further, it’s important to say this: not all parents or caregivers are ‘bad.’ Sometimes the reasons they couldn’t be emotionally available or consistent are rooted in their own trauma, mental or physical health issues, accidents, grief, or other life pressures. This isn’t about blaming—it’s about understanding how our early environment shapes our sense of self. Most people do the best they can with who they are and what they have in the moment.

The inner critic might sound cruel, but it didn’t come out of nowhere. It developed to protect you. At some point in your early life, being self-critical was adaptive.

If you blamed yourself, maybe you could fix it. If you stayed small, maybe you’d stay safe. If you were good enough, maybe you’d be loved.

As a child, you had very little power. You couldn’t leave. You couldn’t set boundaries. So you adapted—and the inner critic helped you do that.

But here’s the thing: The inner critic hasn’t moved on. It doesn’t realise you’re not that child anymore. You’re an adult now. Even if you’re in a difficult relationship or stuck in a painful situation—you have more options than you did back then. You can walk away. You can speak up. You can ask for help.

But the inner critic doesn’t see that. It keeps using old tools for a new world. It repeats the same patterns, thoughts, and warnings—not because they’re still true, but because they’ve become the default.

The good news? Your brain is changeable. Neuroscience now shows that the brain is neuroplastic—which means those pathways of self-criticism, fear, and shame can be rewired.

And that matters, because the inner critic often works by keeping you small and hidden—so you’re never a target. But in doing so, it also keeps you from fully living.

💬 Ready to Take the First Step?

If this resonated with you, know that you're not alone—and you don’t have to navigate this journey by yourself.

In my monthly newsletter, I share more reflections, insights, and practical tools to help you reconnect with your true self and quiet that inner critic.

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