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What Are You Hoping to Hear? Learning to Trust Yourself When Making Difficult Decisions
- Jane Nevell
- Jul 27
- 5 min read
Imagine you've been invited to a friend's birthday party.
You've known about it for weeks but kept putting off making a decision. Now, here you are at the eleventh hour wondering whether to go.
You love your friend and genuinely want to celebrate her birthday. It would make her happy to have you there. But it's been a long, stressful week. You're emotionally drained, an unexpected bill has arrived and if you're honest, you're not particularly fond of social events anyway.
What should have been a fairly straightforward decision suddenly feels anything but.
Should you go?
Should you stay home?
Will your friend be upset?
Are you being selfish?
Perhaps you decide to ask someone else's opinion.
They say:
"I know you're tired and short of cash, but you could make do with what you've got. Being there is more important than buying a new dress. You don't have to stay all evening. I'm sure you'll enjoy it once you're there."
Or imagine hearing a different opinion:
"That sounds exhausting. No wonder you don't really want to go. If it were me, I'd explain and make it up to her by taking her out for lunch another day."
In this example, it isn't really about the different opinions.
It's about what happens within you when you hear them.
Perhaps you've experienced something similar.
Let's try a little experiment.
Think of a situation - real or imagined - where you feel genuinely torn about what to do.
Perhaps it's deciding whether to leave a job, have an honest conversation with someone, set a boundary, say no to a request, or make another decision where the outcome really mattered to you.
If it helps, close your eyes for a moment and connect with that experience.
What thoughts come to mind?
What emotions are present?
What do you notice happening in your body?
Perhaps thoughts such as:
"What if I make the wrong decision?"
"What if people think badly of me?"
"What if...?"
Perhaps you notice anxiety, worry or guilt.
Maybe there's tension across your forehead, butterflies in your stomach or a feeling of sickness.
We're not trying to change anything.
We're simply being curious, without rushing to solve the problem.
Now imagine you've spoken to someone whose opinion is similar to your own.
What do you notice?
Has anything changed in your thoughts?
Your emotions?
Your body?
Perhaps you notice relief or reassurance.
Or perhaps very little changes at all.
Now imagine you've spoken to someone whose opinion is completely different from yours.
Again...
What do you notice?
Has anything shifted?
Maybe it has.
Maybe it hasn't.
Maybe it's a mixture of both.
There isn't a right or wrong way to experience this.
Now gently place those opinions to one side.
Imagine you hadn't asked anyone else what they thought.
Instead, you sat with your own thoughts, emotions and physical responses.
You reflected on what mattered most to you.
You weighed up your options.
Then, accepting that you could never know exactly how things would turn out, you made the best decision you could with the information you had at that moment.
What do you notice now?
What's happening here is about more than making a decision.
When we're faced with emotionally important choices, it's natural to want reassurance.
There is nothing wrong with asking for advice. Sometimes another person's perspective helps us see something we've overlooked.
But if we repeatedly look outside ourselves before spending any time exploring our own experience, we may miss an important opportunity.
Sitting with uncertainty isn't easy.
It often brings discomfort.
It can leave us questioning ourselves, worrying about making the wrong decision or fearing the consequences of getting it wrong.
I wonder whether our reactions to other people's opinions sometimes tell us something important about ourselves.
Sometimes another person's perspective genuinely broadens our thinking by introducing something we hadn't considered. At other times, our reaction to what they say tells us something about what was already happening within us.
It may help us recognise what matters most to us, the different parts of ourselves that are pulling in opposite directions, or the values we're trying to balance.
Then another layer often appears.
Our attention can quickly shift.
At first, we're wondering what other people might think.
What if they're upset?
What if they judge me?
Then, almost without noticing, something shifts. The focus turns inward.
What does this say about me?
Does this make me selfish?
Does this make me a bad person?
The decision is no longer simply about what to do.
It's become tied to how we see ourselves.
Of course, there may also be genuine, practical considerations.
What if my decision has consequences?
What if it affects other people?
What if it creates difficulties for me or someone else?
Now we're trying to balance several things at once: our own needs, our values, our relationships and the possible consequences of our decision.
Before long, the "shoulds" begin.
I should go.
I should make the effort.
I should put my friend first.
I should stop thinking about myself.
The decision is no longer about whether to attend a birthday celebration.
It's become tangled up with who we believe we are.
Our natural instinct is often to make that discomfort disappear as quickly as possible.
Sometimes that means looking for someone else to tell us what they would do.
Without realising it, we may also be handing responsibility for the decision to someone else.
Yet by staying with our experience for a little longer, something else can begin to happen.
We become curious.
We notice our thoughts.
We recognise our emotions.
We notice the sensations in our body.
We begin asking ourselves different questions.
What am I really afraid of?
What matters most to me?
What feels true for me in this situation?
Perhaps these moments are also opportunities for psychological growth.
Each time we pause rather than immediately reaching for certainty, we're practising something important.
We're learning to tolerate uncertainty.
We're learning to reflect before acting.
Different possibilities begin to emerge.
We're becoming more familiar with our own values and priorities.
We're developing the confidence to make decisions without knowing exactly how everything will turn out.
The truth is, none of us has all the information. All we can really do is act with good intentions and make the best decision we can with the information we have at that moment.
Sometimes we'll get things wrong.
That's part of being human.
Learning that we can cope with mistakes is just as important as learning to make decisions.
This doesn't mean we stop asking other people what they think.
Far from it.
Other people's wisdom, experience and perspectives can be incredibly valuable.
The difference is that they become part of the process rather than replacing it.
Instead of looking outside ourselves first, perhaps we can learn to include ourselves in the conversation.
The next time you find yourself wanting someone else's opinion, perhaps pause for a moment first.
Notice your thoughts.
Notice your emotions.
Notice your body.
Sit with the discomfort, if only for a little while.
Then ask yourself:
What do I think?
What feels important to me?
What am I noticing?
What am I hoping to hear?
Reassurance?
Permission?
Confirmation?
Or simply another perspective?
If you then choose to ask someone else for their perspective, let it add to your thinking rather than replace it.
Perhaps this is how we become more attuned to ourselves.
Not because we always get it right.
But because, over time, we become more familiar with our thoughts, our emotions and our body's responses.
Instead of ignoring them or pushing them away, we become curious about what they might be trying to tell us.
Slowly, we begin coming back to ourselves.
If this article resonated with you, I hope it has given you something to reflect on. If you'd like to explore these themes further, you're welcome to browse my other articles or find out more about how we can work together.
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