Measuring Your Worth Through Everyone Else’s Eyes

Have you ever caught yourself adjusting your tone, your words—even your posture—around people you barely know?

Maybe it’s the person in the queue.

A neighbour.Someone you pass in the street.

A colleague you’ve never quite clicked with.

You don’t know them deeply.

They don’t know you.

And yet… part of you still wants to be liked. Or at least not disliked.

You want to be seen as kind.

Pleasant.

Not too much.

And it’s not just your behaviour you shift.

It can show up in your thoughts too—

Overriding your gut feelings.

Challenging your own views.

Trying to align yourself with how they see things, even when it doesn’t quite sit right.

The Need to Be “Okay” in Their Eyes

This pattern often begins early.

We learn to seek approval—first from our parents, then teachers, friends, partners, communities.

We learn that being liked is safe.

Being agreeable earns praise.

Being emotionally contained or “good” avoids conflict.

Over time, we internalise a belief:

My worth depends on how others see me.

And we don’t just apply that to people who matter—we apply it to everyone.

Even strangers.

People we pass in the street.

The woman at the checkout.

A friend of a friend we’ll never speak to again.

This isn’t usually a conscious thought.

It’s not that we walk around thinking, “I must be liked.”

It’s that we’ve adopted a way of being—kind, helpful, agreeable—because somewhere along the line, we learned that this is what keeps us safe, accepted, and out of trouble.

It becomes a default.

A persona.

And after years of practising it, it can feel like the only way we know how to be.

But underneath this “niceness,” there can be a cost.

The suppression of anger.

The avoidance of conflict.

The hiding of needs, feelings, and truth.

This well-polished “good girl” (or “good person”) persona may not realise it—but it’s still trying to earn safety through approval.

And ironically, when conflict does arise—because we’re human and it will—it often comes as a shock.

The part of us that’s worked so hard to keep things smooth can feel hurt, confused, even betrayed.

After all, wasn’t being nice supposed to protect us?

Why We Do It

This isn’t vanity or attention-seeking.

It’s not manipulation or trying to be perfect.

It’s survival.

It’s the nervous system doing what it learned to do.

Blend in.

Avoid trouble.

Keep the peace.

It’s the child who learned that being good meant staying safe—emotionally, physically, or relationally.

And it’s the adult who’s still living from that same imprint.

"I am what you think I am."

When you carry that belief, your sense of self becomes shaped by how others respond to you.

Are they pleased? Then you’re doing okay.

Do they seem distant or critical? Then something must be wrong—with you.

It’s exhausting.

And often, the you that you really are gets buried under layers of adjusting, managing, smoothing things over.

But it’s not your fault.

You weren’t taught to value your truth—

You were taught to value acceptance.

And now, you’re here—maybe starting to question it all.

Maybe beginning to wonder if you could live another way.

But… Do You Like Everyone?

Here’s something worth gently asking:

Do you like everyone you meet?

Every voice you hear? Every opinion you come across?

Of course not.

And that’s okay.

But sometimes, we make exceptions—

especially when it’s someone we admire.

Someone we respect.

Someone whose opinion feels important.

We start to filter ourselves.

Only sharing the parts we think they’ll agree with.

Or adjusting our words, tone, or views to stay compatible.

And if their beliefs are different from ours, it can feel uncomfortable to speak up—

so we might stay quiet.

We might doubt our own thinking.

We might try to convince ourselves they’re right—and we’re not.

This creates a ripple effect.

You override your gut.

You dismiss your truth.

You force someone else’s way of being onto yourself—

and over time, that can feel like a kind of inner hijack.

A quiet betrayal of self.

A subtle form of self-abandonment.

And it often goes unnoticed…

until one day, you realise how far you’ve drifted from who you really are.

What Happens When You Stop Performing?

When you begin to let go of the need to manage how others see you—

and how you feel in response to that—something begins to shift.

But it’s not simple.

Because people-pleasing doesn’t just manage their comfort.

It manages yours, too.

It gives you the illusion of control.

If you can be nice enough, agreeable enough, safe enough—

maybe they’ll like you.

Maybe they won’t leave.

Maybe there won’t be any conflict.

So letting go of that performance means letting go of the outcome.

And that can feel unbearable at first.

You can’t control how someone will respond.

They might disagree.

They might disapprove.

They might even reject you.

And when you start holding your own—gently but firmly—

people may not recognise that version of you.

They’re used to the softer version, the agreeable one.

And their reaction might be uncomfortable, even surprising.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

It means you’re changing the pattern.

With time—and with compassion—you learn to sit with discomfort.

You learn that not everyone has to agree with you.

That conflict—while uncomfortable—can also be a space for truth.

And that disagreement isn’t always danger.

It’s hard to stay fully present when you’re feeling self-conscious and under pressure.

But step by step, you build the strength to be in your truth and stay grounded.

And then you begin to notice something else:

The people who matter most are the ones who respond to the real you—

not the version you shaped to keep the peace.

A Gentle Place to Begin

If you’ve recognised parts of yourself in these words, know this:

You are not broken. You are not too much.

And you are not alone.

Many of us learned, often without words,

that love and safety had to be earned through pleasing, quietness, or staying

agreeable.

But that isn’t the truth of who you are.

It’s a pattern. A survival response. A role.

And roles can be released.

Slowly. Gently. With compassion.

You don’t have to get it right all the time.

You can be wrong.

You can make mistakes.

You are always more than what you do.

We are all here as human beings—not finished products.

We didn’t come into this world with all the answers.

We learn. We grow. We make mistakes.

And then we learn again.

Even the people you look up to—whether in your life or in the public eye—are not perfect.

They may not share their doubts or vulnerabilities, but they have them too.

And most of them?

They got to where they are not by avoiding mistakes,but by making plenty of them—

and choosing to keep growing.

And let’s be clear—there is nothing wrong with being kind.

Nothing wrong with softening your words.

Nothing wrong with cutting others some slack, doing thoughtful things, or wanting harmony.

Humans need connection.

We need love, peace, and acceptance.

Those things are beautiful.

What we’re looking at here… is imbalance.

When kindness turns into self-erasure.

When peacekeeping costs your peace.

When the desire to be liked silences your truth.

That’s when it’s time to pause.

To return to you.

💜 I’ve created a free guide to help you take the first step in reconnecting with your true self.

Sign up here to receive: 5 Steps to Reclaim Your True Self

(It’s free and you’ll also receive my monthly newsletter filled with insights and support.)